Tonight, Brian and I watched the first episode of Bleak House by Charles Dickens. BBC has done an excellent adaptation of the book, and has been a favorite of mine for many years. If you embark on this mini-series adventure, be warned that it might take you a little over eight hours to complete. That’s why episodes are your friend!
One of the Bleak House characters, John Jarndyce, has a special room that he likes to call “The Growlery”. As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking how nice it would be to have such a room. Especially one that I could visit briefly, growl, and promptly lock my growls there. I seem to be full of growls these days.
Music is actually taking up most of my brain tonight. A few blog titles went through my mind – “I’m My Own Worst Enemy”, “What Potential”, or “Why The Heck Do I Love Music”. None of which I had enough courage to actually write at the top, but somehow felt necessary to share here. Yes, I ask myself everyday, “Why the HECK do I love music???” Generic answers include, “Because it’s beautiful” or “Because thats what you’ve always done”.
I’ve been trying to come up with a better answer.
Unfortunately, that’s not easy. Every day I wake up and think: “Today could be my day!” After about 30 minutes of morning blinking, I realize that perhaps whatever I was avoiding is still there kicking me in the behind. Then I get on with my day and forget about the possibility of doing something great with my music. No point to practice = no practice = no music = depressed Annie. It’s definitely circular.
Playing music by myself or just for fun are not things that I’m really good at. Therefore, if there isn’t an external push to play high-quality music, then I don’t even bother playing at all. Somehow, I’m hoping that by sharing this in public, that I’ll get over this roadblock. I’m my own worst enemy.
The word amateur makes me uncomfortable . I refuse to settle for this in my music career. However, until I can learn how to let go of my insecurities and up-tightness, I will be an amateur.
Just an amateur.
And this is where I’ve sat since the beginning of high school. Yes, I’ve learned from the best teachers, and emulated some of the best technique, but I’ve never just let go. Well, I shouldn’t say that – there have been a few instances. The time where I just let it all go for my Senior jury in Conservatory and my professor actually came on stage to give me a hug because I had made a breakthrough. Or the time I gave a private concert for a special group of people who had never heard a live violin before.
As a musician, how can I only have a handful of experiences like that? Shouldn’t I strive for more? Those few times are what keeps me going. Someone in the office asked me if I liked Berlin Philharmonic. I said, “Oh, Yes. They’re the best. They are the reason I decided to accept my offer to SF Conservatory.” Their music inspired me with one of those magical moments. I bet the Berlin Philharmonic has that effect all the time, and I’m bummed I wont let myself be a part of the sharing.
I’ve been taught well, I have the tools, the technique, the focus, and the heart of music, but yet I don’t have the freedom that I long for. Yet.
And again I say, YET.
I’m searching for answers, praying for inspiration, and looking for open doors. (My biggest prayer has been answered so far: getting to a point where I feel free enough to share all this! To me that is a sign that I’m in the right place at the right time, and am just waiting to emerge into the next phase.)
My current goal is to A) Let go, B) Play for enjoyment every day, and C) Reach out to others
Any suggestions?
Thank you!
Rose in Bloom 
Annie, when you wrote “amateur” I immediately thought of the TV movie “A Christmas Without Snow” from 1980. In the movie, John Houseman plays a demanding choir director who has challenged a church choir to perform Handel’s Messiah. One character, a former opera singer, dismisses the others as amateurs. Houseman then takes the sting out by reminding the choir that amateur means someone who does something for the love of it. Hold onto that…and maybe watch the movie which is set in San Francisco. Hugs, Tim
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Thanks, Tim! Very encouraging, and sounds like a movie I would enjoy a lot. In school, I always heard “amateur” in a derogatory manner, and was told to rise above it. However, I find little enjoyment in just playing music without love. So, thank you for this message. I do love music, and perhaps I’ve forgotten that just a little bit. Hugs, Annie
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An “amateur” in the old sense of the term is someone who does what they do for the love of it (Latin: amator = lover); the term never used to be derogatory. An amateur musician was someone who didn’t need to earn money by playing music. That was an enviable state, not something to be scorned! You were lucky if you were an amateur musician because you could do what you wanted and weren’t forced to find a job playing music. [An example: Thomas Erskine, the 6th Earl of Kellie, who was derided as “Fiddler Tam” by some of his contemporaries but was an accomplished Scots fiddler and composer in the mid-18th century, and now considered one of the more important British composers of that period.] Somewhere between the 18th and 20th centuries things changed and now amateurs are looked down on, but I think that earlier concept of amateurism is worth keeping in mind!
Personally I’m not much of a self-starter so for me it helps to have continuing commitments to play for others–as an amateur fiddler I would never have made the progress that I have if I didn’t have a continuing series of events on my schedule that force me to learn new music and practice pretty much daily. I find that it’s often a struggle to get up from what I’m doing on the computer, open up the fiddle case and start working but once I’ve done that I almost always find it rewarding. Personally I think you’re on the right track, but I also think that instead of focusing on your handful of “magical moments” it may be worth trying to find pleasure in smaller things. I suspect that the magic moments will become rarer as you progress in your musical career… Good luck!
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Thank you, Steve! That is good insight into being an amateur. That’s probably what I’m actually striving for: the ability to play just for he love of it. You’re also right about having engagements lined up — just like you, I’m not much of a self-starter either. It’s takes outward motivation to help me practice often. I’m excited that we’ll be playing together again soon!
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I still owe you some Frank Zappa music. I think he figured it out.
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This sounds to me like the expression of a life in transition. Your music career will undoubtedly look different in this new stage of your life compared with five or ten years ago. But the breaking up of old patterns and lifestyles as the new are forming is always uncomfortable to say the least. I am not a musician myself but I have six people in my family who have been or are, so I have thought and observed.
Our son was never a violinist at the level of artistry you have reached, but someone suggested to us when he was in high school that the experience of playing in an orchestra might provide inspiration for him. He played in the (very amateurish in the derogatory way!) SRJC orchestra for a while, and it turned out to be lots of fun, and increased his skills, too. Have you already done that? — playing not with that one but with a quality orchestra? It might be worth considering in the future; maybe you would enjoy contributing your expertise to the team effort more than trying to be a solo performer with all the added pressure that brings.
Another thing that I would think helpful is to not think about “practicing,” because that does sound like a chore. When you are playing, you are playing. If, as at this time, you have no obligation to spiff up pieces in your repertoire to ready them for a particular event, why not just play one piece that you love every day, and play it for love, and for God? Sometimes you might want to go on to play another, and another. But if not, you would have used your gift to make an offering.
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